I had an unnerving moment last Halloween. I was standing on my neighbor’s porch eyeing the cache of goodie bags he had ready for the mass of costumed kiddies heading his way. He had a few dozen little plastic baggies stuffed with what I thought was colorful candy and upon further examination proved to be carrots and celery sticks. Yes. Carrots and celery. For a Halloween treat. As I backed away from this evil man’s house, I thought “He’s going to egged and I will supply any outraged kid with a dozen fresh ones because that shit just ain’t right.”

We all had that one neighbor who gave out what we considered tricks instead of treats. Toothbrushes. Tattoos taken out of Cracker Jack boxes. Anything that wasn’t candy. We had the Spider Lady and she handed out pennies. Two. Freaking. Pennies. And she cackled while she dropped those suckers in our bags.

And then there were the apples.

Who in their right mind would give out apples when they know that any parent who sees that fruit in their kids’ bag will immediately take out a machete and hack the damn thing to death in search of that elusive razor blade. See, somewhere along the line some kid back in the 70s did find a razor blade in his apple. Maybe it wasn’t even a razor blade. Maybe it was a really sharp seed or a dried up worm and he got scared and went home screaming and there was mass hysteria in the suburbs. The little game of rumor telephone starts and before you…