other life

In my other life I am not scared. I have no fear; I do not shy away from opportunities, I do not neglect to take chances, I do not lay awake at night wondering if I will die in my sleep if I close my eyes.

I do not, in my other life, get into my car thinking surely this is the time I will get into a terrible accident. I do not answer each phone call with panic at my throat, thinking it’s bad news. I am not scared in this life.

In my other life, I do not worry. I do not imagine that every time a loved one leaves the house it will be the last time I see them. I do not view every venture outside as a chance for something tragic to befall me. I do not, in this life, imagine planes falling from the sky, carjackings, heart attacks. I do not engage my mind in worst case scenarios.

In my other life my hands don’t shake, my heart doesn’t skip beats, my stomach doesn’t do battle against butterflies. In this life, I am not always imagining the end of things: life, love, happiness. In this life I enjoy the little moments, I am present, I fully envelop myself in each minute, without thinking about how fleeting it all is.

I do not, in this other life, doubt and second guess myself. I do not think of myself an imposter, someone masquerading as a good enough person, a good enough worker, daughter, sister, mother, wife. In my other life I enjoy my successes without eyeing them suspiciously.

In my other life, I do not fear failure. I embrace opportunities, I take chances, I try without churning about in my mind the possibility that I won’t succeed. In this life I do not live in a constant state of anxiety; I am calm, I am rational.

In my other life I realize it’s ok to be flawed, I accept who I am, I love myself unconditionally and let others love me without questioning their motives. In this life I appreciate myself and what I have to offer the world.

In that life I create without fear of rejection, I love without worry, I embrace without pushing away. I live to the fullest, I put myself out there, I recognize what I have to offer the world without downplaying it.

In this life, I am inside looking out. In my other life, I am there, beckoning. Waiting.