Do for yourself, people tell me. Treat yourself well. Indulge every once in a while.
I have tried to take this advice most of my adult life, but never could really muster what I needed to splurge on myself. Oh, I love spending money. I love buying things. But I love buying things for other people. I will gladly throw down a hundred dollars on something for one of my kids or my husband, but spending that kind of money on myself always seemed a little self indulgent, and I did not have room in my psyche for that. I never actually liked myself enough to feel I was worth spending money on. I didn’t deserve nice things, while everyone else did.
On the rare occasion that I did buy myself something in an uncharacteristic fit of spontaneity, I would feel guilty about it for days, sometimes weeks. I’d contemplate returning the item, or refrain from telling anyone about it. I’d be completely embarrassed to tell anyone that I spent money on myself.
In recent years, I eased up on myself just a bit. I allowed myself to splurge here and there, and tried to talk myself down from the inevitable dressing down I would give myself after. I joined Stitch Fix last year, getting overpriced clothes sent to me every couple of months. It took three deliveries before I let myself enjoy having new clothes. They were a necessity, I told myself. Clothes aren’t indulgent; I need nice outfits for work, I…
